LikeTheFlowingRiver

[Whoa, this is my very first draft of it, even my bosses don’t get to read it (just yet) (the whole so frank version of it)…so…umm I guess I am gonna be so frank about everything…huhu]

En. A and Puan E,

I have been having this thing consuming my mind since last year for weeks. For months, to be precise. Yes, I am in doubt if I should just turn down the offer and keeping on with what I have now in E. I mean, to turn down what B has to offer and just take on your renewed offer. I mean, you have, really, offered me a great offer that one could only get for once in a while it is so hard to be turned down.

Puan, En A, I am so sorry that I just have to pull out all the stops in order to accomplish this one thing which you could say that I am being so selfish about. I think… I am choosing B. I believe I wouldn’t want to repent over the path I have not chosen and haunt myself by the doubts of if I were to continue living with B. I believe it doesn’t surprise both of you at all that a person who is so young, eager and full of curiosity (and confused too), like me, could come to different conclusions about this thing by simply having some second thoughts, the very next second after saying that I am truthfully accepting your huge offer (or challenge). I truly however now, am in the different conclusions.

A friend of mine keeps reminding me that, a person should be as firm, but it should be in any case never for the wrong reasons (wrong reasons like staying for the sake of pleasing other people, or going because you hate your boss, et cetera). So, I guess I have taken the time to do my homework in telling the collection of reasons apart. The foremost being, like I said, simply because I couldn’t bear being haunted by the uncertainties risked by letting go the opportunity (in B). The damned one opportunity which has no telling of how far could I go in its pursuit too, yeah. But that holds good too, I believe. Please, just hold with me.

I have long been as indecisive and it sucks. Now that I believe that I have reached the finish line of it, please just hold with my decision and not talk me out of it, for once, please. I know how lame and unconvincing I might have emerged to you. You could say that. I am lame. You just caught me being underhand and unreliable. Or that you thought that I could have been more persevering than this. Or that I better have my integrity even more intact. But frankly, this, above all, is about my perseverance and integrity, too.

I have sought almost every reason I could from its nests before I even come to this decision. I have consistently prayed for it. I have asked almost every single person I have around after the decision I am making … my parents, my best friends, my housemates, my colleagues, my ex-lecturers and even both of you, my respected bosses…until I got to this one point; to get to a decision, I sure have to ask around (but from the right persons)…then to digest and only decide.

My parents said that they really do pray the best for me. But they honestly couldn’t distinguish between E or B either, for all our sakes. They’ve made me conclude that, I might go at this B opportunity unless if that particular path would only mean that I am losing integrity or appreciation or a bounty of knowledge or cash or whatever from E. So there was at last one reason for me to check into.

Or perhaps, I should just stay in E. Like a friend said, sticking to my future plan (to get as much experience, be knowledgeable and go into education), it’s just better for me to stay. If the case is that I am so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get this kind of opportunity for the time out of mind, I still shouldn’t be as freaked out. There would be at least another one (at least) yet to come. So I should just stop agonizing over this and make up my mind (to stay and move on).

Moreover, jumping at the chance (B) without thinking twice would definitely not do me a good profile. Sure, so many hops would just do that to me. I’ve been working with two companies (one after another) since graduation, in one good year. Well, I am totally not entitled to proclaim that I have that much of experience either, am I? It sounds more like ‘you’ve been here and there for this long, but how much have you really learned and contributed anyway’ to me (one year experience is nothing much, I know). And how on earth would other people appreciate me and trust me for that. So that’s second.

Third, going big company? Again, a friend advised me to think twice. Or thrice. Because I should know that big companies always have issues in them. Politics. Jealousy. Bottleneck. So many lower positions as long as no one at the above who empties the position by climbing the climb or leaving the company, or deceasing, nobody gets upstairs. So the opportunity to get promoted could be defined as difficult (unless there’s a mammoth expansion of the company or something). And worse, that’s when friends become enemies, having to compete and all that, I would just face a different kettle of fish. There, why not me planning to take over the small one and continue the biz instead? (Oops) Ehehe.

Well, my ex-lecturer has also about the same opinion. Again, office politics, not good. Not healthy. Better stay away. He suggested that I should wait for another two to three years, of after when I should be counted in as a senior by the industry. Of when I could then validate my proclamation on my experience. My values. My integrity (if I could come back to that). Then I could apply for a post that is even more worth it rather than be stuck at executive position for good (if I go for B now).

Yeah…why would reality check not tell me the same thing about the office-politics-thingy? I bet it would. But I am not going to refuse if it’s telling me the other way round too, anyway (to be fair). Like, hey, isn’t out there really at least anyone or specifically, a Malay Muslim, who made it from the scratch, in a big company? And be the country’s pride? Or the religion’s pride? Because that would be pathetic (I want to believe that there is, because I couldn’t recall if I have ever known anyone like that, and the words haven’t been spread well to me if it’s still not to my awareness). So there are still people who made it, eh? If I am good, I am good, and people would notice, right? That’s a fairer statement for a freshman like me. So, some have made it, some have just made it not. Why bother being a failure when given the other choice? Why couldn’t I be one of them who made it? Why would I not choose to be the salt of the earth as well?

Because I never have experienced anything as cruel as what have been told, regardless how it has become the fact of life, I am sure that their (those with respective experiences) bottom line is still, nobody really knows. Nobody is, in fact, certain about anything. I couldn’t just let the thought of that malicious reality blow it out of me, could I? Because it might happen to me. And it might not too. I am still young I couldn’t let the negative thoughts play down the importance of taking up new challenges, could I? Or else, I bet, no one would go nowhere no more (I hope I am right).   

And both of you, my respected bosses, have contributed a huge piece too. That I better appreciate what I have around me, the first and foremost. That I should realize that there is so much to learn here in E. I could learn almost everything I need to (learning is, in fact, gravely my need and passion). From the technical skills to the soft skills, there’s the knowledge I am dying for. And I am given the opportunity to dig ‘em as deep as I ever wished to. And I got a bunch of thoughtful people like both of you to some more help me in my mission of learning … And the family-like office environment…I couldn’t be more grateful I get to get all these in E (and I seriously mean it).

But Puan and En A, I really hope that you would understand what I am personally about to endure if I were to turn B down, right now. It’s not about going flashy. It’s never about underestimating everything that I could have gotten from E. And it is by no means about me giving up contributing to E. But please forgive me for this mere reason that I have, that I just need to go on but by taking this path to B and not to simply disregard the all new opportunity and challenges. Well, this one reason has patently given me the drive I have always needed, to get out of this quandary.

The matter of how could I be so selfish, again. How could I not care less about E having no person for the position anymore (as soon) if I just leave, like what my colleague did? How could I not think of how much more trouble I would have caused E for resigning as how and when I would like to. My dearest bosses, if I really am all of the above, I would have not been as hesitative as I was. And this, whatever it is that I am doing, I believe that you would also honorably consent to it. That I am being honest to you and myself too. I call this as being responsibly selfish. I want to be responsible to being honest despite how selfish it might have appeared like, for goodness sake (so, it is kind of an honorable thing to do too, right?).

I deeply hope that you could also pray for me for the path I am choosing, which indirectly creates another path for E too (not that I am so important or significant, nothing like that) (but you know what I mean). I believe we could always remain having the mutual admiration of success and the big-thinking thing, like how much I have always admired of both of you. There are chances that I might not make it in B, like I said. But I choose not to wander in that doubt and keep couldn’t find a way out. I am not giving up for ever. Making mistakes only opens up an opportunity for me to learn more. I choose to believe in that. I bet there’s no turning back right now. That’s the risk I would have to take by consulting you like this, I am aware of that. And I kind of like it. Because I really need to have this decision to move on. And move on. So I am deciding to abide by this decision*. Because I am the one who lives in it.

I.A.A.

*Self-warning: Don’t ever kid yourself with your own decision anyway (hah, what does that mean, eh? Ehehe)

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