Apr 27 2008

MERE INDIFFERENCE…

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

I only fell about at her stories…like she was some kind of a laughing stock (when she definitely wasn’t at all). It wasn’t her fault she thought I have shown insufficient concern or inappropriate expressions towards her glooms and sadness. I know all one could ever expect from a friend during times like that is a shoulder to cry on, or constructing advices, or heart-warming supports regardless if he or she is the bad guy in the real world. But I am here to give that a break.

I never meant to be cynical, I laughed because I wanted to take her step out of the sobbing, weeping, ‘poor me’ zone. I didn’t want to see her cry again. My intention was for her to laugh with me and cheer herself up because she deserves not to be in such sorrow every time it occurs (or any other times). Yeah, not worth her time and youth. We both know it happens when it happens. So why wouldn’t us laugh at the serial happiness killer instead. By the way, she should have taken it that I have nothing like pleasures in seeing her in sadness or disappointment…well, never mind.

So let’s laugh away the things making you sick and swollen, friend. And think about other things that are worth thinking of. It has worked for me. And why wouldn’t it for you. Guess you’d take it back, that my witticism was not merely indifference…

P/s: People usually get too occupied with their habit of thinking. In this little case, unless it is religiously or morally disrespectful, who says we cannot laugh at miseries (to get out of it)?

I.A.A

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Apr 27 2008

A CULPRIT it is…

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

I think INDECISION gets its way over any other time-consuming habit at wasting our precious time, causing horrendous headaches as well as at making us missing the opportunities of including which we don’t even realize passing us by!

I am glad that I have partly done something about the goal in my mind. I learnt that I don’t need to wait too long for the “right” time, either, because that, obviously, comes only once in a blue moon. I believe in most cases, the time is now. So, we better worry about how to do it (and just do it) instead of taking valuable time to fret about whether we should do something or not, don’t we?

It might be working out right or the other way round. If the latter seems to be haunting us after the decision, well, at least it’s off our mind, and we can pay our attention to something else. Personally, I could clearly see myself in a more disastrous never-ending series of unnecessary fear and confusion if I keep procrastinating.

I think we should be more contented making mistakes than not making decisions. Of course there’s the fear of making decisions which is likely going to put us into procrastinations. Like when you have got to choose between to keep on living with a loving but witless slob for ever, and to just leave him and start off with a new life; and you’re not sure of which is the better one, so you put off the decision.

Well, if I were in a case like that (the instance has got nothing to do with me, it just popped out through my mind, so I am not deciding anything here, okay), obviously, the thing to do is to pick either one, and I would do it immediately. I think I would just take the first step in any direction (seriously?).

At least after putting myself into some kind of thrust, I’d feel that something is done. Well, the more time we spend just to make a decision, the farther we would get from making any at all, wouldn’t we?

Even if our decision is the wrong one, we can correct it. Or soon after we know about such mistakes, perhaps we could take the remaining choice. At least we won’t have to decide anymore. I admit that I have spent a lot of valuable time trying to make inconsequential decisions. Of course, important things do call for thoughts before being decided. But it’s the trivial ones that we spend too much time on, such as: Should I take a cab or bus? Should I buy the black blouse or the white one or should I not at all? Should I go eat there or there or where, but I have just reached here? Should I …And soon endlessly.

I have just realized that we always bother about making a time-consuming decision over small things. Well, I am talking the time we could have spent with our loved ones, or topping up our knowledge, or zikrullah etc…Why not do the one that needs less effort, and then stop thinking about it. Easier said than done, but you would want to agree with me, that you don’t really need those indecisive moments after all! ;)

I.A.A

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Feb 10 2008

Dearest Boss,

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

[Whoa, this is my very first draft of it, even my bosses don’t get to read it (just yet) (the whole so frank version of it)…so…umm I guess I am gonna be so frank about everything…huhu]

En. A and Puan E,

I have been having this thing consuming my mind since last year for weeks. For months, to be precise. Yes, I am in doubt if I should just turn down the offer and keeping on with what I have now in E. I mean, to turn down what B has to offer and just take on your renewed offer. I mean, you have, really, offered me a great offer that one could only get for once in a while it is so hard to be turned down.

Puan, En A, I am so sorry that I just have to pull out all the stops in order to accomplish this one thing which you could say that I am being so selfish about. I think… I am choosing B. I believe I wouldn’t want to repent over the path I have not chosen and haunt myself by the doubts of if I were to continue living with B. I believe it doesn’t surprise both of you at all that a person who is so young, eager and full of curiosity (and confused too), like me, could come to different conclusions about this thing by simply having some second thoughts, the very next second after saying that I am truthfully accepting your huge offer (or challenge). I truly however now, am in the different conclusions.

A friend of mine keeps reminding me that, a person should be as firm, but it should be in any case never for the wrong reasons (wrong reasons like staying for the sake of pleasing other people, or going because you hate your boss, et cetera). So, I guess I have taken the time to do my homework in telling the collection of reasons apart. The foremost being, like I said, simply because I couldn’t bear being haunted by the uncertainties risked by letting go the opportunity (in B). The damned one opportunity which has no telling of how far could I go in its pursuit too, yeah. But that holds good too, I believe. Please, just hold with me.

I have long been as indecisive and it sucks. Now that I believe that I have reached the finish line of it, please just hold with my decision and not talk me out of it, for once, please. I know how lame and unconvincing I might have emerged to you. You could say that. I am lame. You just caught me being underhand and unreliable. Or that you thought that I could have been more persevering than this. Or that I better have my integrity even more intact. But frankly, this, above all, is about my perseverance and integrity, too.

I have sought almost every reason I could from its nests before I even come to this decision. I have consistently prayed for it. I have asked almost every single person I have around after the decision I am making … my parents, my best friends, my housemates, my colleagues, my ex-lecturers and even both of you, my respected bosses…until I got to this one point; to get to a decision, I sure have to ask around (but from the right persons)…then to digest and only decide.

My parents said that they really do pray the best for me. But they honestly couldn’t distinguish between E or B either, for all our sakes. They’ve made me conclude that, I might go at this B opportunity unless if that particular path would only mean that I am losing integrity or appreciation or a bounty of knowledge or cash or whatever from E. So there was at last one reason for me to check into.

Or perhaps, I should just stay in E. Like a friend said, sticking to my future plan (to get as much experience, be knowledgeable and go into education), it’s just better for me to stay. If the case is that I am so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get this kind of opportunity for the time out of mind, I still shouldn’t be as freaked out. There would be at least another one (at least) yet to come. So I should just stop agonizing over this and make up my mind (to stay and move on).

Moreover, jumping at the chance (B) without thinking twice would definitely not do me a good profile. Sure, so many hops would just do that to me. I’ve been working with two companies (one after another) since graduation, in one good year. Well, I am totally not entitled to proclaim that I have that much of experience either, am I? It sounds more like ‘you’ve been here and there for this long, but how much have you really learned and contributed anyway’ to me (one year experience is nothing much, I know). And how on earth would other people appreciate me and trust me for that. So that’s second.

Third, going big company? Again, a friend advised me to think twice. Or thrice. Because I should know that big companies always have issues in them. Politics. Jealousy. Bottleneck. So many lower positions as long as no one at the above who empties the position by climbing the climb or leaving the company, or deceasing, nobody gets upstairs. So the opportunity to get promoted could be defined as difficult (unless there’s a mammoth expansion of the company or something). And worse, that’s when friends become enemies, having to compete and all that, I would just face a different kettle of fish. There, why not me planning to take over the small one and continue the biz instead? (Oops) Ehehe.

Well, my ex-lecturer has also about the same opinion. Again, office politics, not good. Not healthy. Better stay away. He suggested that I should wait for another two to three years, of after when I should be counted in as a senior by the industry. Of when I could then validate my proclamation on my experience. My values. My integrity (if I could come back to that). Then I could apply for a post that is even more worth it rather than be stuck at executive position for good (if I go for B now).

Yeah…why would reality check not tell me the same thing about the office-politics-thingy? I bet it would. But I am not going to refuse if it’s telling me the other way round too, anyway (to be fair). Like, hey, isn’t out there really at least anyone or specifically, a Malay Muslim, who made it from the scratch, in a big company? And be the country’s pride? Or the religion’s pride? Because that would be pathetic (I want to believe that there is, because I couldn’t recall if I have ever known anyone like that, and the words haven’t been spread well to me if it’s still not to my awareness). So there are still people who made it, eh? If I am good, I am good, and people would notice, right? That’s a fairer statement for a freshman like me. So, some have made it, some have just made it not. Why bother being a failure when given the other choice? Why couldn’t I be one of them who made it? Why would I not choose to be the salt of the earth as well?

Because I never have experienced anything as cruel as what have been told, regardless how it has become the fact of life, I am sure that their (those with respective experiences) bottom line is still, nobody really knows. Nobody is, in fact, certain about anything. I couldn’t just let the thought of that malicious reality blow it out of me, could I? Because it might happen to me. And it might not too. I am still young I couldn’t let the negative thoughts play down the importance of taking up new challenges, could I? Or else, I bet, no one would go nowhere no more (I hope I am right).   

And both of you, my respected bosses, have contributed a huge piece too. That I better appreciate what I have around me, the first and foremost. That I should realize that there is so much to learn here in E. I could learn almost everything I need to (learning is, in fact, gravely my need and passion). From the technical skills to the soft skills, there’s the knowledge I am dying for. And I am given the opportunity to dig ‘em as deep as I ever wished to. And I got a bunch of thoughtful people like both of you to some more help me in my mission of learning … And the family-like office environment…I couldn’t be more grateful I get to get all these in E (and I seriously mean it).

But Puan and En A, I really hope that you would understand what I am personally about to endure if I were to turn B down, right now. It’s not about going flashy. It’s never about underestimating everything that I could have gotten from E. And it is by no means about me giving up contributing to E. But please forgive me for this mere reason that I have, that I just need to go on but by taking this path to B and not to simply disregard the all new opportunity and challenges. Well, this one reason has patently given me the drive I have always needed, to get out of this quandary.

The matter of how could I be so selfish, again. How could I not care less about E having no person for the position anymore (as soon) if I just leave, like what my colleague did? How could I not think of how much more trouble I would have caused E for resigning as how and when I would like to. My dearest bosses, if I really am all of the above, I would have not been as hesitative as I was. And this, whatever it is that I am doing, I believe that you would also honorably consent to it. That I am being honest to you and myself too. I call this as being responsibly selfish. I want to be responsible to being honest despite how selfish it might have appeared like, for goodness sake (so, it is kind of an honorable thing to do too, right?).

I deeply hope that you could also pray for me for the path I am choosing, which indirectly creates another path for E too (not that I am so important or significant, nothing like that) (but you know what I mean). I believe we could always remain having the mutual admiration of success and the big-thinking thing, like how much I have always admired of both of you. There are chances that I might not make it in B, like I said. But I choose not to wander in that doubt and keep couldn’t find a way out. I am not giving up for ever. Making mistakes only opens up an opportunity for me to learn more. I choose to believe in that. I bet there’s no turning back right now. That’s the risk I would have to take by consulting you like this, I am aware of that. And I kind of like it. Because I really need to have this decision to move on. And move on. So I am deciding to abide by this decision*. Because I am the one who lives in it.

I.A.A.

*Self-warning: Don’t ever kid yourself with your own decision anyway (hah, what does that mean, eh? Ehehe)

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Jan 29 2008

LOSE YOU

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

I’m taking a ride off to one side

It is a personal thing.

Where?

When I can’t stand up in this cage

I’m not regretting.

I dont need a better thing,

I’d settle for less,

It’s another thing for me,

I just have to wander through this world

Alone.

Stop before you fall

Into the hole that I have dug here,

Rest even as you are starting to feel the way I used to,

I don’t need a better thing

Just to sound confused

Dont talk about everyone,

I am not amused by you.

I’m gonna lose you,

Yeah I’m gonna lose you

If I’m gonna lose you,

I’m gonna lose you,

Yeah I’m gonna lose you

If I’m gonna lose you

I’ll lose you now for good.

-PETE YORN.

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Nov 03 2007

I TURN TO YOU

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

Oh, Allah, I turn to You because You know everything, even what is hidden.

If what I am doing is good for me and my religion, for my life now and hereafter, then let the task be easy and blessed.

If what I am doing is bad for me and my religion, for my life now and hereafter, then remove me from that task.

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Oct 18 2007

So that in the end, I get to love myself.

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

Me_and_mine Dear people,

Hey, how i miss talking to you like i talk to myself… heheh..how i miss talking without being poetic in here :p …haha. well, how are your rayas? I bet most of you are having your best. Like me particularly. I got to see my family, at last, after months, which i suffered like of countless years. Thinking about them laughing at my jokes kindles right at my heart how much i miss them. huhu..(they always make me feel like a professional respected comedian and i always love that kind of appreciation..hehe). BTW, the pic right there, it speaks well enough, rite? that’s us on our graduation day.

My younger brothers and sisters are not anymore the small fries i used to play with and poked like they were some kind of creatures who have hijacked my parents’ love for me. (i used to hate the fact that i am the eldest coz i was always the one who should acknowledge defeat(s))..haha. I could see that they’ve been missing me too, like, a lot! hahaha. They begged for me to stay a little longer for raya, sorilah adik2 ku sayang..tidaklah dapat kak iman bercuti berlebih-lebihan…

My big little brother, has turned out bigger. Bigger heart and thoughts as well, haha. And he always had the issues on him, and me getting the perfect one to get in with. And how pity it is for me to end up like ‘this’. wahaha. bad bro you are. Could you please cut those out huh, and pray for me instead?? thank you, that’s better.

My little doctor sist also flew home from indon, just to see me wear the kebaya she bought for me for RM30 which equals to 75000 rupiah (when she actually came back because she couldnt stand being left alone and foreign when everyone’s celebrating..hehe). She’s quite a millionaire there i get to order just anything i mind. But I didnt wear the kebaya anyway. Coz it turned out like she thought i might have turned into twice or thrice her size after the long time and distance she bought me an XXL-sized. Waduh2…dont get dissapointed la sist, it’s just that the chance for you to get to see me in tht orange kebaya is not as fat. haha.

My parents, they’ve turned out to be more amicable lately. Discussions are not anymore as hard. But when it comes to "that" discussion, seems like i still couldnt get the guts to utter my things over theirs. haha. Bottom line is,, i know how much they do love me, they want me to get in with a good bloke instead of the flakes i keep on seeing…but i just hope that i could get some air…out of "that". ehehe.

My best friends, never have stopped wishing me for the best i want them to know too, the more they pray for me, the more i’d pray for them too…hey…soon you will understand, there’s nothing under the sun anymore that you could get for F.O.C. hehe…everyone is expecting something in return no matter how little and decent the ’sacrifices’ might’ve looked like. well that’s not my point. my point is, i do pray for my bestfriends’ best as much as they do for me…ehehe. I have always believed that i am what my friends are…i mean, they were/are part and parcel of the mould i was/am in before i even come to be as ‘gorgeous’ as this. :p thank you my gorgeous wonderful friends.

My housemates, they were all so ‘Selamat Hari Raya’ they left me so oversoon as they get their raya holidays approved, but got back not as early to have another important occasion, Kak Dilah’s wedding. Sorry kak, I have gotta work and couldnt manage to get as much holidays as all of you are enjoying…unpaid leaves ni…hehe..They brought me lotsa ‘Selamat Hari Raya’ treats too…wow…Selamat Hari Raya…and maaf zahir batin guys. You are all so sweet..Ermm..Just stop looking at me like i am so inspirational or something, ocay? I am so ordinary i am working with my first better job, i could speak english and manglish too, and i am that beautiful you would get bored to even look at my shadows if you get to see me so frequent..wahaha…eh jgn ar sampai camtu lak..

My favourite boss, she thought i am always doing superficial. I admit i am. But never in overrating the power of feelings and warmth. ahaha. So easy puan, you give us love, and we’d love you back more (stupid thing for a junior staff to say eh). eheheh..Superficiality is sometimes useful when the days get rainy and murky…learn from me, people..ahaha..

My boss is actually not what you think. She’s more, as i get to know her by days. She is so much inspirational i cant just simply utter…Ah-hah.. i know many of us like to boast and broach about how perfect and blissful their job lives have been, more or less for the sake of getting "the impressions" (dont mind me). I could have done the same but i have always chosen to share my ‘misery’ rather than the other ‘mystery’ (if you people notice) hehe…

Well there’s a saying (which sounded like a fact to me) which goes like, normal human beings tend to share their wretchedness rather than their happiness because human beings are selfish. And they tend to share it poetically (more like underground) because it is not as effortless as when you’re sharing your happiness (cut short). ahaha. got wht i am saying? So i am normal. Actually people, the thing called happiness, you could always see me wearing one if you could see me at the time i m wearing it (it has long been my uniform..unless otherwise situationally twisted..hehe). Honestly. Get me?

They said i am always about sadness and glooms, about love and unreplied love…about pains and longing…nothing about anything on the ball or contributing to some sounder knowledge… nothing helping…Well i m not just that! or maybe i m just not that…ahaha..because in the end.. regardless of whom i am surrounded with…i only get to realize that, I am the one responsible for my happiness (and for my knowledge too). And when i realize that, i get to love myself and be selfish again. I m selfish again because that is my responsibility…

Striving on a simple responsibility should never be underestimated…

p/s: Shhh.. i m the one who’s gonna have problems too if so many people are behaving so selfish anyway….ehehehe…well, have my apologies from the bottom of my heart along with this raya season. Well i hope we could all be even again, do cease to feel any hatred or annoyance or boredom or anything against me, please renounce any anger or resentment you’ve ever had against me… please give up all claims on account of any debt or obligation you should have been expecting from me..haha, please grant your pardons to me. Thank you… :)

I.A.A. on a ’spacious’ holiday.

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May 16 2007

MY GRANDFATHER’S EYES

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

I just remembered that I have promised my grandparents for sort of a long stay at their house right after I finish my study when I found Tok’s handwriting in a bound foolscap papers in the drawers. I was rummaging my mother’s drawers for my lost PTPTN agreement. Well this unintentional encounter with the writing of my grandfather has somewhat kindled my curiosity of what could the matters inside be all about, I forgot about my PTPTN thing.

So I asked my mother for permission to have a look at this commemorative looking piece. But all Mama said was “No, you don’t wanna read these, dear.” “Oh, why is that Mama?” “Because it will make you feel sad. Just that. But go ahead and be so, if you insist…”

Tok is still staying in his big double storey wooden house in Tapah, with my beloved Opah, with their maid hired by my uncle, just them three. I promised them I’d visit them there, and be their company. It’s not that I don’t wanna keep my promise. It’s just that, I have turned out so busy and dizzy lately…thinking of my thesis upshot, searching for a job, for my parents and beau, that I have no time to even think of which and how many busses should I take to get to Tapah from here. Bad granddaughter I am…Well, may be now I should think of iteven if that means me travelling alone…huhu. But come on, absorb the lessons together!

Riwayat Hidupku di Zaman Silam untuk Kenangan

            Dengan secara rengkasnya di imbas kembali yang mana diriku dilahir kan pada 23 Januari 1923, dan dibesarkan dengan belaian kasih sayang ibu bapaku setiap masa.

            Hari demi hari dan tahun demi tahun diriku diasuh, dipelihara dan diberi didikan yang sempurna hingga usiaku meningkat 7 tahun, maka diwajibkan bersekolah.

            Walau pun dizaman itu penjajahan British masih berkuasa penuh lagi di Tanah Melayu, yang mana serba serbinya amat daif, sama ada kedudukan dan ekonomi orang-orang Melayu tidak langsung mendapat layanan yang baik dari pemerintah. Kalau hidup hendak sempurna, carilah daya usaha sendiri. Rumah-rumah tempat kediaman pula adalah secara berkampungan dan tidak ada bekalan asas seperti air, lampu dan lain-lainnya. Terpaksalah menggunakan sungai atau perigi (telaga) begitu jua lampu dengan menggunakan pelita minyak tanah.

            Dapur masak-memasak pula menggunakan kayu api dan jalan-jalan ke Bandar semuanya tanah merah sebagai lorong sahaja. Begitulah keadaannya kehidupan orang-orang Melayu di zaman itu.

            Kenderaan pula cuma menggunakan basikal sahaja, tidak ada kereta, motor kecuali kereta lembu, beca (lanca) untuk membawa barang-barang berat, seperti bas dan kerita sewa jauh sekali kecuali kereta-kereta orang-orang kenamaan sahaja yang ada.

            Tetapi sungguh pun begitu, semua keadaan masyarakat dikampung hidup harmuni aman damai, kasih mesra anatara satu sama lain tanpa persengketaan langsung, kalau berkenduri-kendara semua datang bergotong-royong, dan amat menyeronokan, kalau Hari Raya pula tidak sunyi ziarah-menziarahi satu sama lain yang berterusan.

            1930 – Diriku titik permulaan pergi kesekolah hingga 6 tahun (Darjah 6 sahaja di masa itu) – 1936.

            1937 – Aku menyambung pula pelajaran Agama dan bahasa Arab di Sekolah Idrisiah Kuala Kangsar, Perak. Tetapi berakhir tahun 1941. (Kerana peperangan Jepun-British telah bermula)

            1942 – Tentera Jepun telah tiba menyerang Tanah Melayu dengan ganas dan kejam membunuh musuh-musuhnya. Manakala di siang harinya pula, tentera Jepun sentiasa merayau-merayau ke dalam kampung mencari mangsanya apa-apa yang disukainya seperti ayam dan anak-anak gadis.

            Begitulah penderitaan dan kesengsaraan yang kami alami, di mana semua penduduk Tanah Melayu di zaman itu terseksa segala-galanya. Nasi-beras tidak ada, terpaksa makan ubi kayu dan pisang muda. Kain baju pula mana yang ada sahaja boleh dipakai. Kalau kematian terpaksa kain guni, tikar, dan daun pisang dijadikan kapan membalut mayat.

            Penderitaan yang sebegini rupa ditanggung selama 3 tahun 8 bulan.

            Setelah Jepun menyerah kalah kepada pehak Bangsa-Bangsa Bersatu Amerika dan Beritish dalam pertengahan tahun 1945.

            1945 – Tentera Jepun telah meninggalkan Tanah Melayu, maka pengganas cina kominis yang berada di dalam hutan belantara Tanah Melayu semasa pemerintahan Jepun dahulu, telah keluar pula kebandar dan kampung membunah musuh-musuhnya dan orang-orang Melayu yang ingkar kepada mereka, banyak orang Melayu yang terkorban, hingga menjadi pertempuran hebat di Sungai Manik dan Cikus. Nasib baik Cuma 15 hari sahaja, kerana Tentera Beritish telah tiba untuk memerintah dan mengamankan Tanah Melayu semula.

            Maka pengganas-pengganas kominis yang membuat kekejaman itu pun lari semula ke hutan belantara Tanah Melayu dan mereka mulai menyusun semula langkah pergerakan menentang Kerajaan dengan berbagai-bagai sudut membuat huru-hara yang kejam dan ganas setiap masa menakut-nakutkan rakyat dengan berterusan beberapa tahun. Walaupun kemerdekaan Tanah Melayu telah tercapai Tahun 1957 tetapi pengganas kominis masih lagi mengancamkan.

            1947 – Manakala keadaan suasana beransur-ansur ceria sadikan, diriku cuba membuat perhitungan hidup mencari kerja yang sesuai. Dengan takdir Allah diriku bejaya dipilih bekerja di Pejabat Daerah Tapah sebagai Penulis Notis.

            1949 – Setelah sekian lama diriku bekerja maka keluargaku mendesak diriku supaya berkahwin, mereka telah membuat pinangan kepada seorang gadis pilihan mereka setahun berlalu, cuma menantikan hari perkahwinan sahaja untuk diijab kabulkan yang ditentukan pada 9hb. Januari 1949. Gadis itu ialah FATIMAH BT. NGAH MOHD ALI di Temoh.

            Beberapa bulan berlalu, maka kami pindah ke rumah Kerajaan di Pekan Tapah. Disinilah titik permulaan kami berdikari menyusun langkah yang prihatin, hari demi hari dan tahun demi tahun kami terus terbelenggu dengan anika ragam penderitaan, kerana keluarga telah bertambah, tetapi gaji bulanan tetap tidak berubah, dari sudut inilah kami terpaksa berjimat cermat, yang mana perlu sahaja diutamakan. Hendak bermewah jauh sekali.

            Kami lebih menekankan keperluan anak-anak sahaja, supaya peningkatan mereka tidak tergugat, sama ada kesihatan, makanan, pakaian, dan persekolahan, mereka terus teraksana.

            Begitulah cita-cita kami setakat yang termampu. Walau apa jua pun kehendak mereka berkenaan dengan kegunaan persekolahannya tidak boleh diabaikan supaya hati mereka tidak terasing dengan rakan-rakan mereka. Semuga kejayaan mereka tercapai.

Sedikit Memori Saorang Ibu

            Anak-anak sungguh bahgia dan bertuah mempunyai seorang ibu yang telah berkorban tanpa atau tidak mengenal penat lelah dan susah payah untuk menunaikan tanggung jawabnya sebagai saorang ibu yang berwibawa mengasuh dan mendidik anak-anak dengan berjaya setakat yang terdaya, mengembelingkan tenaga menguruskan hal ehwal rumah tangga dan keluarga dengan teratur dan rapi. Keperluan harian untuk membeli-belah di pasar jua misti diselengarakan walau pun uzur dan sarat mengandung maka tidak pernah pun dipertikaikannya. Begitulah kesetiaanya terhadap keluarga. Kalau wang sangat diperlukan untuk anak-anak tidak mencukupi kegunaan persekolahan mereka atau sudut lain jua, maka terpaksalah melucut barang-barang kemas yang ada untuk dijual seberapa yang boleh, satu demi satu dengan keadaan yang sama, dan ada kalanya dia terpaksa menjual muka untuk meminjam wang kalau keputusan wang terdesak yang diperlukan sangat oleh kerana persekolahan anak-anak jua, supaya harapan mereka tidak terkandas.

            Tahun demi tahun begitulah seterusnya yang mana kejayaan anak-anak nampaknya ada yang mebawa kesan yang terserlah walaupun tidak sebegitu cemerlang. Pengorbanan terhadap keluarga dan anak-anaknya masih berterusan hingga kini tidak berubah iaitu sebagai sifat semula jadinya walaupun usianya sudah meningkat 70 tahun. Dia masih jua menggunakan tenaga yang berlebihan seperti orang dewasa lagi dan telah 3 kali jatuh kerana berat sangat membimbit barang-barang yang dibelinya.

            Dan lagi manakala dapat tahu yang anak-anak, cucu handak datang maka tampillah dia merancang apa yang hendak dibeli dan dimasak sebagai persediaan untuk menyambut anak-anak cucu datang.

            1957 – Diriku ditukarkan ke-Pejabat Tanah Parit Buntar, Krian Perak pada 1.1.1957.

            1960 – Diriku dapat bertukar semula ke Pejabat Tanah Tapah pada 3.31960.

            1980 – Bertugas di Jabatan Kerajaan telah berakhir pada 31.121979 dan bermulalah hari persaraanku selama 33 tahun diriku berkhidmat di Jabatan Kerajaan.

            Alam persaraan telah mula dirasai membawa perubahan corak hidup yang berlainan cara, sama ada kampung atau Bandar terpulanglah diatas kemampuan masing-masing. Bagiku penghidupan secara kampung lebih bermakna kerana masyarakat lebih senang didampingi dari segi apa jua pun.

            Dari itu terus menyediakan rumah tempat kediaman yang sederhana ala kampung, dan segala kemudahan asas telah sedia ada di Kampung Sungai Selinsing Tapah.

            Dengan bermulanya kehidupan Era baru ini maka kami rasa ada keselesaannya, kalau dibandingkan dari segi penghidupan kami di masa lampau amat ternyata dan jauh berbeza, dahulunya menderita dan sengsara tetapi pada hari ini segala-galanya boleh dicapai dengan apa yang dicita, kerana rizki dan nikmat Allah melimpah ruah bersambut pula dengan aman bahgia.

            Sebab itulah ibu selalu meluahkan rasa simpati nya kepada Kerajaan (adalah secara kebetulan sahaja) bukan kerana politik atau peribadi Pemerintah, kerana kami bukan berparti politik.

            Cuma kami dapat menumpang sama kesejahteraan Negara yang damai harmuni.

            Alhamdulillah kami bersyukur kepada Allah kerana segala pengurbanan dan masalah anak-anak selama ini nampaknya telah mambawa kesan yang membanggakan, begitu jua dikalangan keluarga amat bersefahaman dan masra (untuk menjadikan keluarga bahgia).

            Dengan adanya kemakmuran dihari ini, maka kebahgiaan anak-anak terus cemerlang dan mempunyai kerjaya masing-masing dengan aman. Yang mana pula disamping itu anak-anak dan menantu jua tidak sunyi menyumbang bakti dengan berbagai rupa sama ada wang ringgit dan pakaian, maka inilah yang membuatkan kami sentiasa berada dalam keadaan selesa, dan dapat kami gunakan kepada kebajikan kerana Allah. Dari itu kami ucapkan ribuan terima kaseh kepada anak-anak dan menantu serta diiringi dengan doa sejahtera selama-lamanya.

            Berkat rezki yang kami dapat dan sumbangan bakti dari kalangan anak-anak dan menantu, maka pada tahun 1990 dapat kami menunaikan fardhu Haji ke Makkah dan 2 kali pula dapat menunaikan Umrah tahun 1992 dan tahun 1996. Dan begitu jua dapat pula menggantikan sedikit sebanyak barang kemasnya yang lenyap dahulu selain dari itu hal-hal yang lain jua dapat disempurnakan.

            Peridaran masa terus berlalu, usia jua turut bersama, tahun 1999 datang menjelang, maka genaplah sudah usiaku 76 tahun (23-1-1999) di samping itu menjelma pula hari yang bersejarah iaitu hari genapnya ulang tahun perkahwinan yang ke 50 tahun pada 9-1-1999 dan telah pun selamat diraikan oleh anak-anak dan keluarga dihari yang tersebut.

Penilaian yang Tiada Membawa Erti

            Kebanyakan generasi yang lahir dalam tahun 60an hingga kehari ini amat bahagia, kerana tiada apa pun yang merunsingkan mereka. Segala yang dicita boleh tercapai. Mereka tidak tahu arti susah sebagaimana azab sengsaranya penghidupan ibubapa dan datuk nenek mereka sebelum ini. Sebabnya mereka berada di dalam suasana kemewahan dan kemakmuran, yang mana keluarga mereka berada atau mempunyai rumah kediaman yang selesa dan indah, rumah batu, banglo dan mahligai yang lengkap segala kemudahan asas seperti api, air, dan lain-lain telah tersedia.

            Lagi menyedihkan dimasa kini mereka tidak dapat menilaikan sesuatu yang benar dengan yang tidak dianggap oleh mereka sama sahaja. Buruk dan baik, sebab mereka tidak pernah mengalami apa arti susah dan derita.

            Disini berakhirlah sudah rintihan hati kami yang membawa erti kehidupan usia senja ini maka masih lagi meraba-raba untuk mengisi ruang setakat mana yang boleh sampai selagi ada sisa-sisa usia ini dapat membuat amal ibadat yang dirido oleh Allah disamping jua berada di dalam peliharaan Allah yang selamat dan sejahtera.

            Abad 20 akan berakhir dan menutup tirainya dan abad 21 atau alaf baru (Y2K) akan menjelang tiba tidak lama lagi yang akan membawa kita ke lautan hidup yang lebih mencabar.

            Manakala berlabuhnya tirai abad yang kedua puluh maka perjuangan hidupku mungkin turut sama berhenti dengan membawa seribu macam kenangan.

            Sekianlah untuk simpanan bersama bagi anak-anakku, kalau sudi:- Mohd Azmir, Mohd Azman, Nor Azian, Nor Axla, Nor Azzah, Nor Azlina, Mohd Azam, Mohd Azim. Salam sejahtera dari kedua ibu-bapa, Nasiruddin-Fatimah.

Sedikit pandangan:-

            Masalah politik Malaysia dihari ini amat mencabar tetapi sayang diumpamakan; (GAJAH SAMA GAJAH BERJUANG, PELANDUK MATI DI TENGAH-TENGAH.) Rakyat menderita dan bermusuhan sesame sendiri.

            Mengikut sepanjang hadis Nabi, tanda-tanda kiamat telah hampir sangat, kalau kita teliti pada hari ini: Bincana alam kerap berlaku seperti banjir, gerak gempa bumi, taufan rebut melanda, dan berbagai-bagai lagi kebinasaan berlaku. Bagi pehak kelakuan manusia pula lagi amat ketara, melakukan zina berleluasa, bermusuh-musuhan sesama sendiri, keluarga, ibubapa dan sesama Islam, dan banyak lagi yang tak dapat kita madahkan, cuma kita sahajalah yang patut berhati-hati dari segala apa yang berlaku kerana Allah yang Maha Berkuasa dan Penyayang. Sekian.

    

I.A.A

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Apr 19 2007

FORSAKEN LIKE A MEMORY LOST…

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

Before long, she shot her bolt,

No, she would never leave the people cold,

So she took her seat, and pushed the pedals with her feet,

She steered the handlebars at the front wheel very neat,

Then the people turned up, shoving her to fight,

Yet, she couldn’t help it but made a hash of the ride…

She fell apart, but the people fell about…

She’d made such heavy weather of the rudiments, they would say…

To irrational fears she had fallen prey,

Then something just struck her anyway…

Get up, girl! If you’ve gotten off on the wrong foot,

Just get back to your feet!

So she took her time,

And said to herself; if this is the name of the game,

Let’s not make yourself looking as lame!

But time after time,

People just made no bones about her feet of clay…

They thought she didn’t look like a glutton for punishment that day,

And how to just a likely story her winning would sway…

So, she faced the kick in her teeth and conceded,

Hey, the rudiments were like a closed book to me, so I backpedaled!

She knew she had actually put things in the dust…

So that was the last of her struggles…

Coz the skills to ride the two-wheeled vehicle,

She just had forsaken like a memory lost…

Ha ha ha…:-b

“I just have forgotten how to ride a bicycle”.

I.A.A.

No responses yet

Mar 28 2007

THE TIME WILL TELL…

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

Since I have lost the love I foraged,

You seemed to have found someone to inculcate

I couldn’t be more thankful, for the shot in the arm

For my storming heart you have made calm…

Since I have lost the love I foraged,

You seemed to have found someone to encourage   

Me; on how to make a clean break,

And even how to understand my own state…

Since I have lost the love I foraged,

You have shown up as someone sage

I couldn’t be more grateful for such a good mate

Like the indebtedness I felt so great…

As the lost seems to fade,

I take the icing on the cake…

That kindles my heart of hearts,

That discloses a good place to start…

Now that the lost seems to fade,

I forage a new love, I forage another fate…

Yet, all I face is a different kettle of fish,

I face doubts I am riddled with…

As the lost has faded fine,

I seek not in vain; I seek the finish line,

The line which fixes the start

The beginning I hope never to dart…

As I reach the finish line,

I think I know whoever is mine,

Because the feeling here for all you have rained

Is yet the feeling I couldn’t feign…

What have actually stirred my dell?

Oh, infuse not anymore any of my cells…

I never know…

I just never know, but THE TIME WILL TELL…

I.A.A.

One response so far

Mar 18 2007

Hey, that really was a BIRTHday.

Published by amerazh under Uncategorized

Let me thank you, thanx

Let me praise you, sweet

Let me inspire you, I’ll repay

Let me bluff you, I hate that day

Let me bluff you twice, you ain’t gonna see me at the finish line

Let me scorn you, but I am already spoilt

Let me despise you, you better not

Let me ask you, you better be fine

For your effort, I did pray

Now it feels, like things are going my way

There, that’s what I called a BIRTHday.

Happy BIRTHday to me…

I.A.A

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